smoke

I write better when I smoke. Don’t ask me to reduce it to a science.

On that Singaporean’s hate blog

I recently flew in from Singapore and, in short order, stumbled on this blogpost: Filipino infestation in Singapore-5 point guide to showing displeasure without breaking the law.

Obviously, my first reaction was outrage. And then I thought about the piece some more and realized, no, this isn’t outrageous. It’s funny!

No really. Look.

1. Reject, and ask for replacement

If you encounter a Pinoy waiter/waitress or customer service officer, tell them this: ” Could you kindly ask a Singaporean staff to speak to me? Your standard of English-there is much left to be desired.” If the idiot continues rambling on, tell him/her with a smile:” Your English sucks,  capisce?  Get the fuck out of my uncaring face and find me someone else pronto.”

If you’ve ever been to Singapore, you’ll know that Singlish is, easily, the worst mutilation of English ever. They even have actual projects to get Singaporeans to speak better Engrish! If yuh ha a pobrerm wi dat, wats di veedeo.

So you see, the writer is actually just projecting his own linguistic shortcomings to Filipinos, for clearly satirical effect. I mean who better to mock-accuse of bad english than the best english teachers in the world, yeah?

2. Step on ’em, push or shove’em

When the Peenoise get rowdy or obviously do not observe basic social decorum, a little “nudge” in the right direction won’t harm. Just make it look accidental. Pump your fist in victory later when they are out of your sight. We understand sometimes they just don’t get it, so a little more force must be employed. Like what this unsung hero did: This morning at Bishan Circle Line MRT I pushed a Pinoy out of the train before door closes.

Peenoise! Now that’s funny. Apart from that, though, the author is obviously taking a dig at Singapore’s fairly repressive public behavior laws – the basis for “basic social decorum” in that fine city.

image

(Image credit: http://the-hiking-highheel.com)

And the example linked to? Well, that’s clearly a stand-in for how Singaporeans feel about the restrictions imposed on them, acted out on Filipinos who, they know, aren’t treated the same way.

Look. I know it’s funny, but with this one, I don’t think we should be laughing. I mean, how would WE feel if our government actually passed a law prohibiting chewing gum? No. Singaporeans can laugh at themselves if they want to, but we should pity Singaporeans for being deprived of such simple pleasures.

3. Create an artistic mess on your plate when dining at Jolibee

Or any other Filipino themed restaurant/ food outlet. Toss food into your mouth, chew thoroughly, then spit it out. Bite another morsel and repeat. Do this till your plate is a masterpiece of regurgitated nastiness. Ask for the bill (pay in cash), scribble “Pinoy food fucking tastes like shit” on the receipt and remember to leave that piece of paper behind.

And here again, we see the blogger’s masterful use of satire. Notice how, number one, the blogger prescribes “chewing thoroughly.” Obviously, this is so that whoever does this gets the full flavor benefits of Filipino cooking. But, number two, you have to spit it out. That’s like the Singaporean equivalent of what the French do when they love the food so much that they have to eat more despite being filled to capacity. The French throw the food up to make room for more, the Singaporeans spit. Because that’s what they do.

And embedded in a joke is the common fear of Singaporeans – getting tracked down. Which is why, number three, the blogger prescribes paying in cash. No records, y’all.

Okay. So maybe that last one isn’t funny. Cries for help, after all, should never be cause for levity.

4. Never render help when Filipinos are involved in serious traffic accidents

Stand on the side with your arms folded across your chest, peering curiously at the bloody setpiece. Do not call the ambulance. But you have our permission to take photographs so they can be tweeted later with the caption: Hopefully another Pinoy has breathed his last on the little red dot. RIP.NOT.

Well, duh. Obviously Singaporeans should not feel obliged to help. After all, Filipinos will always rush to the side of their fallen compatriots. Singaporeans would probably just get in the way, la?

But since this is a joke post, they had to add the “eww factor:” taking pictures of accident scenes. Now, if you haven’t heard, a high eww factor – that is to say the level of icky-ness – is a great way to identify fake rumors on the internet. Which is why the gross out stories and pictures floating around on-line are usually fake. It’s the same with this one, and the eww factor was clearly put in there to signal to you, the discerning reader, not to take everything too seriously.

5. Pray for a flood of blibical proportions to descend upon Orchard Road on 8 June

Go to the nearest church and pray. Pray hard for divine intervention aloud. Make sure God (and the Pinoy sitting next to you on the same bench) hears every word.
There will be no Noah’s Ark to save the partying Filipino motherfuckers when hell breaks loose, because Noah sure ain’t Pinoy when we last checked. Let’s watch them drown whilst eating popcorn on our HD TVs.

Edit: The event to celebrate Pinoy National Day has been called off. Glory to Jesus ! A-fucking-MEN!

Because the Filipino national day celebs were actually cancelled – Oli Pettigrew even tweeted about it – this one might fool you into taking it seriously. Don’t let it!

What the blogger is saying is that she actually wishes she could be AT the party instead of being stuck at home watching TV. And why would she be stuck at home? Obviously because, like Noah, she ain’t Filipino.

In fact, most Singaporeans are so used to being left out that it’s made it’s way into their urban-speak. Bo Jio!

On another level, this particular item on her list is the blogger’s way of lashing out at the fact that, in order to get a chance to frolic in the water, she’d actually have to pay lots of money just to get to a beach. Clearly, this blogger has heard of how awesome – and awesomely free – beaches are in the Philippines. And in true satirical fashion, wishes the exact opposite on Filipino revelers.

Genius!

And finally,

6. ( bonus point) Actually this is our favourite. If you see a Pinoy cashier at NTUC, Cold Storage or Giant, throw a can of Baygon into your shopping before approaching him/her to make payment. When the cashier picks up the insecticide spray ready to do a barcode scan, ask him/her wryly: ” Is this effective against Filipinos?  Sorry, I meant cockroaches. “

LOL! The blogger truly saved the best for last because, MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN THE COCKROACHES IN SINGAPORE?

image

They have serious sanitation problems over there!

And you know that the reason the sight of a Filipino might remind them that they need bugspray is because Filipinos are known to be clean folk who don’t tolerate vermin in their homes. So, seeing a Filipino actually shames this blogger into doing something about roaches in her couches!

I don’t know about you, but reading this blogger’s post has given me a bellyful of air from laughing. I’m so glad that Singaporeans aren’t as rude or as stuck up as a lot of people think they are. It’s good to see that they can laugh at themselves too.

And trust me, they need to be able to do that.

Advertisements

Filed under: Filipino, , ,