smoke

I write better when I smoke. Don’t ask me to reduce it to a science.

I’m too sexy for you

You prolly hear that all the time from model-types. Or maybe from the girl in your high school that neither you nor your cronies could touch with a ten-foot boner. But before you sneer at your soon to be ex-girlfriend saying she’s too sexy for you, hold up! She might just be stating a biological fact.

University of Texas psychologists Kristina Durante and Norman Li found that women with high concentrations of the hormone oestradiol were likelier to flirt, kiss and have a serious affair outside an established relationship.

High concentrations of oestradiol are associated with big breasts, facial attractiveness and low waist-to-hip ratio, with the result that men solicit such women.

In a study published in the British journal Biology Letters, the duo described the behavior as “opportunistic serial monogamy” and not related to one-night stands.

Instead, they suggested, such women were more probably being prompted to trade up in their relationships — to find a better partner.

So it doesn’t really matter if you’re an awesome listener. Her DNA might just be looking for a better deal. Try not to take it too personally.

how_to_marry_rich2

Filed under: health, humor, science, sex, vacuity, , ,

Libel Blog

Can a blogger really be sued for libel over stuff written on her blog?

Even a cursory review of the law clearly indicates that the answer should be yes. In fact, I think the Warrior Lawyer would agree.

In this particular instance, i.e., Bambee’s post about the Valley Golf incident, I think this bit of jurisprudence might be of help.

In order to constitute malice, ill will must be personal. So if the ill will is engendered by one’s sense of justice or other legitimate or plausible motive, such feeling negatives actual malice. [Aquino, Ramon C., The Revised Penal Code, Vol. III, Bk. II, 1997 Ed., citing People v. de los Reyes, Jr., 47 OG 3569]

The post was written immediately after the incident, and it was clearly written by one who felt aggrieved and desirous of justice. So, I imagine she’ll be okay. 

But where does that leave the rest of us?

The Warrior Lawyer says:

If you call someone a scum-sucking, slimeball, swindling pimp, even if this is fairly accurate, and post it online, you may be sued for making libelous statements.

What about calling Senators, Members of the House of Representatives, and various other people – politicians or not – MORONS, as I have been wont to do? Am I likely to be in trouble? HAHAHA! 

Hell no.  As far as I know, I haven’t yet called anyone a pimp – oh, wait. I have.

Hold up … mom screaming from the gate …

What is it ma?? A process server? Wait wait … tell ‘im you don’t – 

Oh crap.

SO there’s a process server at the door. GTG.

Filed under: humor, law and order, vacuity, , , ,

Lightswitch FAIL

lightswitch-fail

You can see why he would cover up his face like that. LOL! 😀

Filed under: humor, ,

A pain in the butt

 

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. 

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’ 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

tree

Filed under: humor, ,

Crazy taxi driver

In Australia, an insane man can drive a cab.

A criminally insane man convicted of killing his wife should be allowed drive a taxi, a court has ruled.

The man killed his wife, but escaped a murder conviction on the grounds of insanity.

Australia’s Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal says he should be allowed to drive taxis, local media reported.

Crazy, eh? Or oxymoronic.

Apparently, insanity wasn’t one of the grounds for stripping a cab driver of his license. And so the court did it’s job: it looked at the circumstances of the case, looked at the law, determined that the interaction of the two – the circumstances and the law – gave rise to a certain result, and made the appropriate ruling despite the absurdity of the outcome.

The absurdity was then left to the rule-making authority – who made the rules that allowed the absurdity to occur in the first place – to solve. Thus:

But, the state’s public transport minister, Lynne Kosky, says the law will be changed to stop people with similar backgrounds getting taxi licences.

She told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation: “The assurance that I can give to the public is that we will ensure that out taxi industry is safe, we will take all measures and we’re doing that to make sure that our taxi industry is safe, we’ve currently got audits in place, and we will take every step possible to appeal this decision.”

Now if this case had taken place in the Philippines …

The Supreme Court would have looked at the circumstances of the case, looked at the law, determined that the interaction of the two – the circumstances and the law – gave rise to a certain result, would have gotten outraged at the outcome, issued a temporary restraining order against the LTFRB, and let the case simmer for awhile. In the meantime, the media would have gotten hold of the story from a press-con of the Chief Justice, the Senate would call for an investigation, the LTFRB secretary would be summoned and forced to admit that GMA personally approved of the rules that allowed the questionable outcome, and Harry Roque would have prepared a new impeachment complaint (just in case GMA survived til after 2010) accusing the Prez of betraying public trust by letting crazies drive cabs. When things are nicely boiling, the SC would then issue a ruling that would effectively change the operation of the existing rules. 

Talk about having a dysfunctional system.

Filed under: humor, law and order, , ,

GMA Died

GMA dies and went to afterlife waiting room where all the dead go for processing. She takes a number and settles down for a long wait. While waiting, she noticed that the walls of the room were covered with wall clocks, all apparently set to different times. 

When her number was finally called, she went up to the counter. Before the lady on the other side of the counter could say a word, GMA asked: “What are all theesh clocksh for?”

The woman answered: “Oh, those are lie clocks.”

“Lie clocksh?” GMA asked.

“Yep. Every person has a lie clock. Whenever a person tells a lie – big or small – the hands move,” the woman explained. “See? Over there is Jose Martinez’ clock. Those hands haven’t moved, which means Jose has never lied. It helps that he’s two months old.” The woman smiled.

Suddenly, the woman exclaimed “Look!” GMA followed the woman’s finger and saw an old clock. “Didyou see that? The hands moved which means …” the lady consulted a list. “John Solis just lied.”

“Oh, I shee.” Gloria answered. Then she said “Where’s my clock?”

“Let’s find out,” the lady said cheerfully. “Can I have your name?”

“Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.”

“Right. That’s Macapagal with a C right ….. ” the lady ran her finger down the list. “Oh, that clock is in the lounge. We use it as a ceiling fan.”

Filed under: humor, , ,

Seafood Taco

Over at FV … ‘pudenda?’ What the fuck? Is there a dalaga in that room that those boys can’t bring themselves to talk plain? It’s a CUNT, fellas. And DJB, unless its some nasty skank’s, cunts generally can’t wiggle. Believe me.

Now let’s assume that this just some old world prudery or whatever, could you guys not find a better euphemism? Seriously.

How about …

The Afro Clam,
the Cod Canal,the hair pie, or
the Box Lunch at the Y?

The Hairy Manilow
The Oval Office, the Panty Hamster
Or Venus Traps a Fly?

Squishy, stanky, 
stinky krinky,
Stinky pink
Spunk pit, spunk locker
Split knish,
Sword swallower.

Aahh. The list is practically endless. And yet … PUDENDA. Sounds like a fuckin’ disease. I bet when they start talking about cocks over there, they’re probably gonna call it a … tallywhacker. Sheesh. How about …

Ba-donk-a-donk, Action Jackson
Admiral Winky, Anaconda
Blood engorged mayonnaise cannon

Cockasaurus Rex, beastus maximus
Colon cowboy, one-eyed wonder worm
Dickimus Maximus, and Honky the Magic Goose

Dangle, wang
Weapon for your poontang
King Dong, pubic bong
Motherfucking giant schlong

Shlock, shlong,shickel,schwartz
Ruby-headed love dart
Yogurt shooter, zipper ripper
And Mickey D’s 100% all meat thermometer

Now someone lay a back beat to this and we can knock Flo Rida off the charts already!

Filed under: humor,

McCain pWnd!

Hello! John McCain cancelled an appearance on Letterman at the very last minute, only to be found doing an interview with Katie Couric instead of ‘racing back to Washington’ like he told Dave. Pissed, Letterman ripped McCain a new one! LOL! 

Like Letterman said, the road to the Whitehouse runs right through him! With the kind of credibility the Clown Prince has, that sure wasn’t an idle joke.

Filed under: humor, pop-culture, society, , ,

Yo, Jester!

Yo, Jester! Whatever gave you the idea that I was a peacenik? LOL!

My weapon of choice, mister.

Or in case he’s unavailable …

LOL!

Filed under: federalism, humor, politics, pop-culture, vacuity, , ,

Little Earthquakes

Patricio Mangubat, over at Filipino Voices, writes about how the July 18 earthquake prediction is actually a political tool – a way of spooking people into accepting whatever Gloria proposes during her State of the Nation Address on the 28th. The scenario, I suppose, is something like how Dubya managed to turn 9/11 into a carte blanche for his agenda.

Now I respect Mr. Mangubat seventy-five ways from Sunday, but this latest from him has me shaking my head in amazement how everything – quite literally everything – can be made to fall into GMA’s lap. It makes me remember how, some time ago, an anti-GMA rally was rained out and the rumors came swiftly that Gloria had caused the rain to fall with some surreptitious and perfectly timed cloud seeding.  And now this.

I don’t buy it. The scenario being painted by Mangubat calls for people to be scared almost shitless so that they fall meekly in line with GMA’s policies – thinking that they are a “bitter pill” that needs to be swallowed.

Is anyone really scared by prophets of doom anymore? And even if they are, I hardly think the average Filipino is gonna stay home and wait and see if the earthquake comes rumbling. Remember when there was a slew of text messages from someone claiming to be an ISAFP agent, warning of malls and other public places being bombed? The malls didn’t empty, and the trains were as overloaded as ever. This won’t be any different. More likely, people will go to work precisely to see if the earthquake happens. LOL! It’s called the simian reflex – the tendency of people to ignore danger – or, in this case, the possibility of danger – and gather ’round simply for the purpose of ‘seeing what happened.’

Also, I can imagine bloggers like me going out on that day, armed with a digital camera, loitering around tall buildings just on the off chance I can snap some really cool pictures of falling buildings. It’s a bit morbid, I suppose, but you’ve no idea how often I’ve smacked myself upside the head for not having a camera handy when the perfect shot presents itself.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we should ignore the warning. On the 18th of July, kinda drift near doorways whenever you have a chance – LOL! I can imagine how crowded doorways will be as people invent excuses to loiter near exits! – and, if you can, bring a dog. When the dog starts going apeshit, run for cover.

For superstitious folk, wear your lucky underwear. For everyone else, allow me to suggest that you wear your I-might-get-lucky underwear. Who knows. You might get pinned in the rubble somewhere and when they have to cut your pants up to get at your injuries, do you really want to be wearing those long-sleeved granny panties? No, people. You want to be in lace.

Seriously tho’, I-might-get-lucky- underwear is a practical consideration. Earthquakes make people horny like hell. Maybe it’s the thought of having survived something that would have surely snuffed you out; maybe it’s your ovaries getting knocked around. Whatever, people who survive earthquakes experience a spike in horniness and, if you’re with someone you care even a little about, you just might end up knocking boots within half-an-hour. Now there’s something to look forward to, eh?

Oh, and don’t forget to bring condoms. You don’t want to be part of the post-earthquake-baby-boom statistic either.

‘Course, if an earthquake does come rumbling into town on the 18th, I will be so mortified.

Filed under: humor, vacuity, , ,