smoke

I write better when I smoke. Don’t ask me to reduce it to a science.

Satisfaction

NOW – Since eleven this morning, I’ve already smoked three packs of cigarettes. Just now, I’ve started on the first stick out of the fourth pack, and it looks like I’m not even done with the day yet. 

There’s a tightness across my chest and a scratchy noise comes out of my throat whenever i try to speak. Which is ok, since I haven’t spoken to anyone for over six hours. 

My eyes are bloodshot, and my shoulders are so cramped they feel like two blocks of wood attached to each other by a leather strap draped over the back of my neck. Did I mention that I’m smoking my 91st cigarette of the day?

My back is hurting like no one’s business and my calves are nice enough to alternate cramping. And even though my deodorant is hanging tough, I imagine I must smell somethng awful. It’s a good thing pleadings aren’t scratch n’ sniff, or this motherfucker hasn’t got a chance in hell.

9:00 AM – My boss calls me and tells me he needs help preparing a pleading for the Supreme Court. With a cheerful lilt in my voice, I tell her yeah, I’m coming to work, even though I’m supposed to be off today. 

10:30 AM – with my wet hair still clinging to my back, I arrive in the office. No one’s there, so I’m thnking I’m the only one that got called in. Good news, i thought, since that meant the work wouldn’t be so tough. Otherwise, at least one of the lawyers would be here. Like an idiot, I sashay to my desk and see a pile of green folders there. On the topmost folder, there’s a little pink post-it. I recognize my boss’ chicken scratches.

Rom, we need this pleading by eight o’clock tomorrow. 

No please, no thank you. Just that matter-of-fact note.

10:50 AM – I realize this isn’t going to be a cake walk, and that i’m actually working for a cunt. I fire up the computer and start typing.

NOW – I’m staring at 75 pages of text. I wouldn’t have minded typing this all up if I were just copying some shit. But I had to pull this thing together from five different drafts aparently written by five different people. It’s a good thing they all pretty much agreed with each other so all I really needed to do was consolidate. HAH!

At least that’s what I thought several lifetimes ago. As it turned out, these drafts by these lawyers – who all talk like they know the law inside out and guffaw at the stupidest law-themed jokes despite being unable to get knock-knock jokes – were all cut-and-paste from various SC decisions. 

I could have done the same with their work, but I have too much fucking pride. I end up paraphrasing like crazy, stringing arguments together so that they make a coherent case instead of a haphazard collection of smart-assery, and going through piles and piles of documentary evidence for footnoting – which these assholes were too lazy to do. GAWD.

6:00 PM – My boss calls and tells me how wonderful I am, and how sorry she was that none of the junior partners were around to help. I force a grin and tell her it’s ok. She heaves a sigh of relief and calls me a super-trouper (she knows I adored Mamma Mia!) for doing this. She says the other lawyers were all grateful because if I hadn’t come in today, they would have missed the day trip to the beach in Nasugbu. I suddenly realize that Mother Teresa has nothing on me. 

6:30 PM – After half-an-hour of stewing, I decide this is bullshit, but I’ll be damned if I quit on the job.

NOW – The stupid pleading is finished and so is my fucking resignation letter.

 

Dear Sylvia,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work with you. I have learned a lot since I started here, and those lessons will never be wasted. Take today, for instance. Today, I learned respect for the Supreme Court can be quite easily faked. All I need to do – taking the example of your valued partners – is to plagiarize the Court’s decisions artistically. After all, isn’t imitation the best sort of flattery?

Today, i also learned the value of respect for one’s subordinates. I imagine when you find my desk cleaned out tomorrow, you too will finally learn that lesson. Although, I doubt it. After all, you’ve been a lawyer longer than i’ve been alive and since in all that time, you haven’t figured it out yet, I can’t say that there is much hope for you in that department.

And finally, today, I learned from you and your partners the meaning of pride. Since I started work here, I have taken all of your tantrums in stride; even your thermonuclear meltdowns at the loss of a stapler. I have fired people for you whose only offense was to forget to address a Senior Partner with an adequate amount of brown-nosing; and I even had the temerity to tell everyone else that we needed to grin and bear it. But thanks to you, I have rediscovered my pride and realized that there are some lines I will never again cross for the sake of treading the path of least resistance.

Awesome working here, really. And I am pleased to say that you can take this job and shove it. Don’t bother sending me my paycheck. You will probably need it to pay for a new copy of Lex Libris since I am taking my copy that you and every other cheapskate lawyer have been mooching off of since I got here.

Very truly yours,

Romany Sedona

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Filed under: Quick Posts

9 Responses

  1. cvj says:

    Bad move for her to mention the Nasugbu day trip.

  2. Jen says:

    Amen, Rom, amen.
    How long have you been working for them, if you don’t mind my asking? 🙂

  3. Bencard says:

    rom, in fairness, lawyers deal with the language of the law. a lawyer worth his salt cannot do his/her job by being original or creative. i don’t think he/she could persuade a judge/jury by other than the text of a statute or a final court decision. to a lawyer, plagiarizing a precedent doctrine that could win his/her case is a must.

  4. i think, bencard, that writing the text was the least of her gripes.

    rom, i loves you madly. resignation letter FTW!

  5. UP n student says:

    I can imagine, but only to a point, how badly that particular day at the office must have felt. Take good care.

  6. niki says:

    BRAVO!! I wish I’d be able to write a resignation letter as brutally honest as this someday haha (ooopp when the time or situation comes lol)

    You’re awesomez rom!

    * but oh, slow down on the sticks dear (91 sticks and counting?? I know you don’t like people telling you not to smoke — not that I’m a credible person to say so anyway lolz)

  7. rom says:

    everyone: LOL! I just woke up and your comments are all thanks I need!

    bencard: uncle, i understand, but I give you … ta-daa … isagani cruz. 🙂

    jen: worked at that place almost a year. sheesh.

    niki: i hear you sister, and i appreciate the concern. i actually stopped at 92, when i realized that i had burned through four packs already. i mean, kee-rist! even i am not that suicidal! hahaha. thanks, luv.

    jester: for the win, indeed!!!

    🙂

  8. BrianB says:

    Nice. But only a girl could really resign like this. I had a boss I almost came to blows with but my resignation letter was respectful… though it must have scared him how respectful it was, and if it did I fully intended the effect.

  9. glenville says:

    haha! welcome to the jobless club. I wish I had your sass when I made my own resignation letter 🙂

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