I write better when I smoke. Don’t ask me to reduce it to a science.


Hell is dying and staying aware.

Aware of the pain your death has caused.  Aware of all the many ways other people’s lives are unbalanced because of your death. Aware of your mom discovering your porn stash. Aware of your dad discovering that you hid cigarettes and condoms in the Hello Kitty tote hanging on a hook behind your bedroom door. Aware of how your boyfriend runs into someone else’s arms a week after your funeral. Aware that that “someone else” happens to be your best friend who said she couldn’t understand what you saw in your boyfriend. Aware of your blog being opened by people you dissed on in the blog but air-kissed whenever you saw them in person. Aware of how your family – or what remains of it – will fall on hard times financially because you’re not bringing in income anymore. Aware of the disappointments you’ve caused. Aware of the recriminations as people you love blame each other for not keeping you safe and whole. Aware of people living the rest of their lives thinking you hated them when in fact you didn’t.


Filed under: musings, , ,

5 Responses

  1. cvj says:

    Last night, i was told that one Chinese belief is that when a person dies, his soul will take a walk and come upon a river where he must take a drink from. Once he drinks, he will forget everything that happened in his previous life. I suppose your blog entry provides the rationale for this.

  2. shiro says:

    when you go, i think you do remember everything that’s happened to you while you were here. the thing is, when you leave this place, you become more, so much more, than the person who lived this earthly life.

    so, while you may remember all of that, i don’t think you’d see it with the same sort of dread anymore. besides, you’ve left. too bad for the ones left behind because they can’t get any payback off of you. heheh

  3. rom says:

    cvj: the Greeks have a similar belief, uncle. They drink from the river Lethe and it wipes their minds clean so that their souls can later be reborn as a clean slate – tabula rasa.

    shiro: haha. still …

  4. cvj says:

    Rom, i didn’t know that. Thanks.

  5. Jeg says:

    The Bible says when you die, youre dead. No awareness, no consciousness, no nothing.

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